Journal

Well, 19 ey? Funny, holidays always seem to rear the ugly side of my depression.

Before long I fear I shall be very much on my own. I'm not sure I can cope with my current situation and I'm not sure how I may cope with situations forthcoming. This year will be make or break. I've said that too many times at various points. I would say that this is as low as I've ever felt, but it's been so long since I think I felt, I'm not sure if, or what, I'm feeling, yknow? But this really is the year where I'll pull myself out of this quagmire, with an awful lot of help from the mental health system and a new, yet to be found, inner core, or the year where I'll break and I'll be certain I break.

If I was every to attempt again, I would make like Humpty Dumpty and have a great fall. I would walk to my destination, definately. With music on. In a jacket. Probably with pad and pen in hand. I may cry a little. I can't quite put my finger on why I would cry. Probably a mix between the healthy body I would squander, the significant-but-quite-well-hidden mental scars I bear and the situation I would be in at the time. My note would be at home. It would probably just be an apology for any inconvenience I would cause people. I hate to be an inconvenience. This, coupled with my paranoia, my timid exosocial nature and my tendancy to bottle things up is probably part of the reason for why I am the way I am. But yes, a copy of my note would have been dropped in a postbox on my way to my destination, on it's way to a trusted one.

But yes, I would walk to my destination and sit for a while probably, maybe write. I would feel the cold air and the moderate wind blow past me, making my face feel cold and slightly weather-beaten. Then I would finish doing whatever it is that I was doing - sitting thinking, writing, whatever. I would leave the pad somewhere safe, maybe even put it in a jacket pocket and rise to my feet. I would walk slowly to the edge, breathing deeply. I'm not sure what would happen then, when I got to the edge or how long it would be once I got to the edge to when I would jump. When i jumped, I would feel my hair blow back, suddenly. I would outstretch my arms as best as I could and just fall. The air would writhe and whoosh past me, so much so that I would struggle to keep my eyes open. Then I would hit the floor. With my 0 wins 1 loss record on the subject, I would probably not be killed instantly and die a very painful death. I would probably take gasps for air through punctured lungs and broken ribs for maybe a minute or two, as blood came onto the floor in front of me. I wouldn't like this, but I would be unable to move due at all to broken bones, etcetera, so I would be in a sense, forced to look at the crimson flowing from several facial oriphi. Then I can't think of much else. I don't know what would happen to me after death. I'm so far removed from God. Oh well. If He wants me He'll come find me, right?

Hope nobody reads this any more.

I remember my last birthday vividly. Too vividly. How happy I was, in spite of the prescense of Satan. I am under no illusions that crap in my life will never go away, but I don't remember what it's like to be happy. I'm not sure if I ever have been. But I have been happy in spite of the prescense of evil and would like to think that I could live my life like that, if I can get through this difficult time.

I most definately thought I was happy for a time. That was all due to one person. I used to bomb down to college every day, on the late bus, listening to Fly on The Wings Of Love (Best dance song ever. Don't disagree) with a fuckoff huge smile on my face. I didnt care about anything, because I had the most beautiful, most wonderful thing on the entire planet on Team Craig and that was that. That's a distinguishing memory of that time. Bus trips to college, haha.

I can't listen to that song now. I can't do any of my favourite things. They don't bring me the satisfaction they used to. I was so convinced that one day I would come back from MMA and be in her arms. Be playing drums at some youth club, in a room somewhere, with her and a few other people, some playing other instruments but all probably disliking me. I didn't care. Come home from airsoft covered in mud and whatnot, after being rained on all day, get clean and go out with her even though it was still drizzly, for chips and hand-holding, just because. So many other things. Memories I didn't create. The very few that I do have, 99% seem negative and 100% seem insignificant. The void that leaves in me is indescribable. I can feel it, whever I'm doing one of my favourite things. Physically feel the void. I was so so far down one path.

And then there was you. You great grinning blithering idiot. "Happy birthday mate" with that grin, with your single gold filling haha. Oh mate, so many memories. How I'll never hear "Spot on" in that tone again, how I doubt I'll ever meet another human being who can talk so well abot such big and complicated subjects, using such little words. I hope Leo is okay. Haven't seen him in months. He'll probably be mono-syllabilically be talking about religion and whatnot by now, just like his dad haha.

My last birthday was good, but is oh so painful to remember now. This has had to go down here, because I have nowhere else to write. My private entries now take this journal into the hundreds, haha. I feel trapped like a rat. I am really suffering at the moment. I am really really starting to think that I may have to go into self-preservation mode in order to survive. This would mean fuck everybody. Everyone. Anyone who didn't like what I was saying, bollocks to you. I don't think I will be able to continue if my current situation remains the same for much longer.

Great, now I've broken my headphones, worn the wires out so the plastic's split. They smell like Nas. I miss him. We got on so well. Wish I could take people like that with me through life. I could be friends with that guy for ever. Not sure he'd recognise me now. Dont know how he would deal with having one of his best mates being openly depressed haha.

Lets see how things pan out. I'm not sure how many more times I can say that. I feel incredibly low right now.

Happy birthday, me.

130-odd entries. 10 months. 1 life. Forever changed.

A crazy, crazy amount has happened in the last 10 months for me. I have been all over the place. Nowhere I think, is this better illustrated, than in here, in it's own cryptic way.

Yknow... There's so much to say. So so much to say. All I can do is look back and maybe even smile faintly. Until April, I'm not even bothered about this year. It just goes on with the rest of the time between November 06 til April 08. It didn't matter. I am thankful for my time at college because of Kevin Shipley, Mark Sanderson, Nasim Ahmed, Shaun Wilson, Stephen Gordon, Fokrul Ahmed and Salfu Miah. Oh and my politics class. Haha. But that time didn't matter. When I first got MySpace (Thanks for making me Caz. Hours and hours of my life down the drain! =p) I was searching through someone on my friends list's friends list, saw a girl's picture and in all honesty thought 'Ooft, she's fit. Really fit.' lol. We chatted infrequently either via the 'spazz or MSN. Around Christmas 2007 I began talking to her more. Understanding how she was someone who could see all the pain I see, who I could trust and talk to and just the most excellent crack. (Haha I still have those MySpace messages sent at Christmas and before. Looked at em a month or so back. Funny to look back on =].)

A few months past, then there was April, lol. Oh Lord, how there was April.

This is a final work, in progress. The last chapter. It may take me a while to write. I will either reveal, or delete my private entries once done and may reveal some stuff in the simplest terms I can think of.

So this is me, signing off. Thank you, the reader, personally, for reading my difficult and insane ramblings =]. Here's something to finish with...

I think everyone has a list of things they fear, that they could and should take control of. Be that how we feel towards someone, how something is affecting us, whatever. Some things we'll never be in control of, but surely we would like to be in control of as much of our lives as possible.

In the last 10 months, I have taken control of my own personal pain and depression. I know now exactly how much of both I can stand. I can stand as much as I have stood in this short time and I'll be okay. If more than I have stood in this time comes my way in future, I will be dead. In death I will be okay. Either way, I will be okay. So I need not fear either of those things now =]. I stare both of these things in the face every day and they are horrid. But I am in control. I hope that one day that I am in control of a lot of things in my own life and those things I am not in control of, God is.

'As I walk through the valley in the shadow of death, I shall fear no man, for I am the meanest motherfucker in the whole damn valley.' - General George S. Patton.

In that personal valley, I am the meanest motherfucker, because I took control through experience at life. Just 10 short months. Wow, I dun' changed.

The Nelson returns...

(Insert crackle here)

It all begins again...

(Insert another crackle here)

Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger...

(Insert crackle followed by frequency whine)

A changed man. A different man...

(Insert something like the first crackle)

It's coming. The Nelson returns...


And so the book containing my most intimate thoughts and emotions is re-opened.
I thought this day would never come.

Why now?
Because I can deal.
Because I can stare more pain than I ever thought I could take right in the face, shout "Look! An elephant!", then kick the twat right in the balls.
Because words can't hurt me.
Because I'm progressing.
Because I am getting better.

(Cue chorus of 'Back in Black' - ACDC)

Burnnnnn.

I'll write down the bad things that have happened as of late as I think of them.

• Alpha.
• The fact he wouldn't have seen me as a mate at the end.
• The fact we were arguing about something that doesn't matter.
• The fact I'll never ever be able to change that.
• Bravo and it's latest eppy. Maybe people are right. Although I don't like thinking I'm friends with a meledramatic bitch.
• Bravo in general tbh. Someone said something about it I thought very very right.
• FAR too many people relying on me FAR too much. I ask little of others and expect to be asked little of in return. But people keep heaping shit on me as of late. So demanding, it feels like. And I can't deal with that.
• I'm ill. Like, really really quite poorly.
• I've had no sleep at all and never do.
• I feel like I'm being somewhere between blackmailed and bullied by everybody at the minute.
• I feel like I have no time to myself, to do what I want.
• I feel like I have no places to hide any more.
• I've lost the fucking drive-shaft for my double pedal >.< ='[. Bad, bad times. 145 quid double pedal. And I'm a lefty so I'm buggared if I'll be able to get ahold of another one.
• I did so playing with some chaps I thought would be my new project. Uh urrrr, lol. Good musicians, just we're both music nazi's. I think shitallica and other overrated 80's hair metal bands are shit and they think post-hardcore of any description, or anything with any powervox at all really, is shit.
• I was lucky enough to have been shown a glimpse of how I could be and now I am stuck back here.
• She does every last little thing right and I feel like such a fan, such a fraud.
• I want to love her the same way I loved you. Without caution, freely and innocently, but the way I'll never be able to do that. You had me absolutely starry-eyed and I want to be like that with her, but don't think I ever will be able to.
• AND FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!! TO TOP SHIT OFF!!!! I'm not normally so annoyed, so territorial, but GAHHD DAYUMMM! >.<!
  
  There's a couple more I could write, but I'll stop there. I think I just need some time with minimal human contact right now. Just some time away from things.

Bless.

Certain right-wing data streams are not as verificably accurate and viable as you may wish them to be. Like I was saying to her today, it's been fake for a good year now, which is a shame. We both know it's fake too.

I may call you.

Don't think that I don't miss you. I miss you every day. Every single day. Like I have never missed anyone before. Because I loved you like I've never loved anyone before. I talk to her about you. That's why I know she's special and value her so much. I can just speak real feelings with her and know she'll speak them back. What we truely think. What we truely feel. Regardless of how uncomfortable or antisocial or politically incorrect that may be. Like I never could with you.

When the inevitable takes place, there will be another revelation I will add to this piece.

I don't know how I feel. I just sat on your profile for a half hour, looking at your picture, talking at an image on a screen.

I'm sorry sweetie. I'm sorry. Just, for everything. I'm sorry for kicking off at the bizzies when I got home. I'm sorry for cut wrists and broken toes. And for the last month of drugs, alcohol, cutting and depression. I'm sorry for not telling you anything about what happened when I got home. Not telling anyone, apart from your best friend, ha. Odd choice of me to make. I'm sorry to all your friends too. Maybe things would have been different if the first words I heard from one of your lot weren't 'Oh he hasnt killed you and left you in a ditch yet then ey?'. Maybe I would have made an effort with them if it was something slightly less anti-Craig, lol. Please remember I came with nothing and nobody and how I am. Mhm.
 
I'm sorry you're not, or weren't as single-minded as I thought you were. I'm sorry you were poorly and I'm sorry I didn't treat you as you wanted to be treat. Something I want to say though - you can't say I made you feel bad. I could write a lot here, but won't. But I'm thrilled to hear you say you're better. I just wish things were different. So so much. I'm almost ready for round two, after hearing you say you're better, lol. But I don't think you could do that. My mind will always play on me though. Now that you're better and I actually believe you're better (The only thing I've believed from you, since we went our separate ways) are you everything that I could ever want and more? Possibly. But I don't think I will ever know, however much I want to find out. So now I haz to get on with my life. I just wish I knew His plan for me. Yours too. And if on the offchance, they intertwine. That's something else. It gives me great strength to hear you're back on team God.
 
But I've found someone else now sweetie. She makes me smile and laugh and her hugs are amazing. She understands me and is in the same place as me and wants the same things as me. She'll never be you though. Nobody will ever be you, lol. Nobody's that... Speshul =p. But she just... Wants me around and cares for me and gives me purpose. Just with that tiny bit more stability than I could get from you back then. I say 'back then' as I think now that you're better, you might be in a more stable frame of mind. I hope you are.

I just don't know what to think. My heart hurts. I just want to be in her arms. Coz it's her now. Not you. Coz I've gotta get on with stuff. And she makes me happy, parties like a trooper lol, but will help me get better too. And right now I couldn't ask for any more.

I fucking love you though. And you know that. And that you will always occupy a place in my heart nobody else will ever occupy - The first person I have truely loved with every little bit of me. I don't know what else to say, so I'm going to leave this now and probably cry to this song, ha.

'And I don't know, oh where I'm going
I just gotta leave you alone
Now this train ends and I'ma try again
But I'm leaving you woman, at home.'

Preach, Mr. VanZant.

Hug me Sarah? I'm yours to hug now and needed to get that out. Don't hate me.

This was too long, too complex, too painful, too perfect and too euphoric to write.

Never again will I write something that horribly beautiful. If I ever do, I'll be a rich man anyway.

The Behemoth now lies at the bottom of the Wear somewhere. Maybe it's on it's way to Norway by now. It was damn near perfect. Damn near my perfect ideaology and thesis on life. But I wanted rid of it like the plague.

For the ultimate LJ entry.

It could end up being the last one I ever write. It's an absolute bible like, haha. Or it's turning into one. Stopped up last night writing it. It was just like... Coming to me. Then I fell asleeps >.<. Might try picking up the pen later on like, but past experience tells me that this leads to pieces being disjointed. I would hate for it to be incomplete though. It's a proper thesis.

I WISH I was out last night. Hahahaha! I've heard some right stories. I love knowing everyone.

I get my beloved pooters back today. Thank God.

... I've come up with a word that until last night never struck me, that could refer to 99% of the girls I've ever met - Selfish. Hmm.

I was going to write an entry but don't have the time. I NEED my pooters back.

I need you, like you would not believe.
You're the only thing I want,
Coz you're everything, everything I need.

I just feel gash at life today. I should probably learn to keep my mouth shut, but never will. I quite like my outspokenness really. I tend to bottle things up to my big splurges of how I feel are just my way I guess. I'm so so insecure. I just feel so... Undeserving. You're just amazing and beautiful and everything... And I - I am nothing. I just don't understand. Don't understand it all. I don't understand what happened. Don't understand why. All I know is that I want that again and again and again. Gah. I just want to be with you goddammit. So so so so so much. To stop me doing shit stuff and sliding back into old routines for starters.

Like tonight for instance. I'd go drink, etcetera myself into oblivion tonight with no thought of right or wrong apart from the fact that I have two pounds to my name, lol. I was supposed to get money today. Maybe You've stopped me from getting mortz tonight. If so, cheers Lord, I guess. Cheers for showing me you haven't forgotten about me despite the fact I've been a gashwad this last 3 weeks. Ha gashwad, new word (H).

Gahhhhhhh. Draw me close. Let me live with You and in You and for You and with Your people. Let me be fucking happy God.

I'm such a contradiction.

Hold me in your arms. Give me the place to just sit and be still, calm, like the lost, fucked up, scared little boy that I am. But know that I'll be there, to catch you, if the wingless angel should ever fall. Know that I am there. Know that these frail arms are outstretched, whenever. This chest is your place to hide and cry. Although why you should want that, I don't know. Please forgive me for not being good enough. I feel so inadequate, so not good enough for you. Damn insecurities. Try to understand them? Understand that I'm stupid? Understand that I mean well regardless? Be with me, know me and love me? Ha, I wish... Why would you want that.

On the plus side, I encountered yet another reason to hate the south of England today lol. What a cock he was.

aren't as bad as I feared. Both of my pooters have been down since... Friday? It's not cool. It's amazing to see how many subconscious thought there are, of computers or computer related stuff in our lives. I only realise it of course, when my pooters are gone.

Something I've been thinking about over the past couple of days... The blame for the abuse lies solely with the abuser. I hate it and what it has done. I don't understand why God would allow such a hideous act to occur, or why people are the way they are, or why situations are the way they are. If I am ever done for murder... To see the consequences of my actions, look for the ripples across the pond...

This is something that's really bothering me. Anyone else I dislike, I could restrain myself from doing something to them, despite whatever they've done to me or mine. Anyone. Anyone except it. I know that if I saw it, I would kill it. I wouldn't be able to forgive it. I would just go at it. I hate it for what it has done. This is something that's really really getting to me. I'm supposed to at least try and forgive and understand everyone, but I just don't think I could right now.
 
I feel like this is like a glitch in the matrix of life. All this. I don't understand and can't comprehend why God would allow this to happen to all the people affected. Maybe this was an act of evil. An act to show that evil is there. An incomprehensable, awful act done to someone undeserving. A little battle in life that evil won. I know that comparedd to larger forces I am nothing and that evil probably does hundreds of these little acts every day, but I just hope that God can clear up the mess in all lives involved. I am way down the pecking order in the 'lives to clean up' list though. Or I hope I am. I just want stuff and people to be okay. But if life is a disk and this is a glitch, then I am the laser. I have to just skip the glitch, keep trying to read the disk and hope that it doesn't give me the blue screen of death, lol.

Speaking of blue screen of death, I hope I get my pooters back soon. I'll have to run. I have so so much to write about. Yeah, I have to run now. I'm not going to lie... I feel sick to my stomach as regards today. Also my phones stopped working again >.<! D'oh!

Satan and it's minion were well on my case tonight like. Jobjobjobjobjobjob. Don't you think, that as the most negative thing in my life, you should try to completely dissassociate yourself with things you want me to do? The more you go on, the more negative the schema of work becomes. This is beside the fact that I am actively looking for a job, as not having money in a capitolist society isn't much fun. Stafoo and let me get on with it rather than trying to infiltrate my life. Oh, what's that? Hidden agenda I've just uncovered? So it is!

I'm more than happy to just be diplomatically cordial with them, to have a 'team meeting' with them for a designated period each day if they'd damn well stafoo the rest of the day. But of course Satan wouldn't want that, coz then it couldn't make me miserable and angry with it's constant, dehabilitating niggles and nags throughout the day. Oh look! There's another of those hidden agenda's.

You sicken me with your lies, Satan. You're allowed to hate me, if you were just straight up about it. But no, you're not at all. Your lies and your mind games annoy me most. Your shiftiness.

Oh how odd, there would be my three least favourite characteristics in a girl. Lies, mind games and most of all shiftiness. Not definity. Moving the goalposts. Not being able to take word.

Gah. I need tonight.

I'm gonna get absolutely shitfaced for the last time.

to write this stark naked as I was about to hop in the bath.

Haha there's an image for ya's lol.

We weren't fighting the inevitable at the end stages, we weren't and I think that's how you felt.

Maybe if you'd actually fucking tried in the first place and hadn't laid down, given up and died...

(If you were ever alive for me, for this in the first place, that is)

... Then it wouldn't have been inevitable at all.

'Maybe some day I'll turn around and say 'You fucking dissappoint me'.'...

traditional, love-starved Nelson ha.

i just would really like to know whether after my first relationship with I feel that I've been properly 'in love' as opposed to just loving someone, whether this depression due to a feeling of lack of love and affection would go away. Or is it just an aspect of my personality that I'll always have and really should go to the last resort for. It would suck to be on happy pills. I've seen what they do to people. Thing is, without happy pills, one night I'll end up taking it too far, then I'll never be happy. I'd prefer to be a pale, intellectual cabbage with sunken eyes and a wry smile than to not be at all, lol.

Hmm I had a better reason for entering here, but I've forgotten what that reason was lol.

I do feel God's love. I really do, but it's just like. I need that stupid, crappy, faltering human love. God knows I need it. Both in the saying sense and the actual sense that the big guy upstairs does know that I need stupid, crappy, faltering human love, lol.

Satan is doing my head in now. The longer it's out of the house, the happier I am. It's not communicating with me at the minute. I think that it's an attempt at what it would see as a diplomatic sanction against me. However, it suits me down to the ground.

I had a bad night last night. My head hurts, amongst other things. I need a cuddle and some self-worth.

OF BLEEDING FOR YOU WHEN YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

I LOVED YOU WITH EVERY LITTLE BIT OF ME. MAYBE YOU NEVER LET YOURSELF FUCKING LOVE ME THE FIRST PLACE COZ YOU WERE PREPARED FOR THIS STAGE. NEWSFLASH, SWEETHEART, THERE WOULD NEVER, EVER HAVE BEEN A 'THIS STAGE' IF YOU'D HAVE SHOWN ME SOME FUCKING AFFECTION. I would have tried with my everything to keep you for ever. And if you had wanted to let me go, at least I would have known that you had loved me. Now, I feel just like I did back then, only now I don't have parties, friends, drugs or sluts to cheer me up.

I WAS DOING SO FUCKING WELL. NEARLY A YEAR IT WAS. NOW I'VE RUINED THAT. TWICE IN THE LAST MONTH.

I am sick and tired. God please help me, despite the fact that I am an absolute nothing who decicrates himself.

Crashhhhhhhh. Buuuuuuuuuuuuurn.

I need some self worth.

and get absolutely battered on Thurs.

Sorry God, in advance.

I don't even know why. I just am.

Every time I think of you, it causes me pain. I hate that I was so in love with you.

a girl that would hold my hand as we made fallen leaves crunch under-foot on the cold days that will inevitably come would be lovely thanks.

I am tired of being used as a pawn in peoples game of Chess. Being a tiny cog in people's nasty machines. Being used.

Seems I am good, but just not good enough.

And that would be how I feel.

I was going to hold back from posting this, but then remembered I informed a friend yesterday that I think a lot of people hold back from saying what they want to. Either because they think it's stupid or will cause problems and that's what stops people from thinking they can write. And that people shouldn't do that and should express themselves boldly, because everyone can express themselves through writing.

So there's my thoughts and feelings at this exact minute, right there.

overly clingy people like. These social types do my head in sometimes.

If I wanted to fucking talk to you I would, but as it is, being ill, hence low on decent conversation and all, attempting to play Destiny's Child songs on the drums, playing with the dog and talking to Mikey for the first time in days seems more like my thing.

I'm lethargic as feck so I'll only talk once every so often. If I don't reply, constant badgering isn't going to make me reply sooner. I refuse to be bullied into anything, let alone petty MSN conversation.

I also despise people who use that damn nudge button. I go out of my way not to talk to people when they hit that and it isn't a mistake, lol.

Sorry if this seems like a rant (Well it is a rant. but so, lol.) and if it seems like I only want conversation when I want it, but I'm ill and I'm tired. I much prefer people who talk too little on MSN and don't reply than those who constantly badger and bully me.

was supposed to be a privater, but I've had a lot of positive feedback on it, so I'll leave it there =].

However no, you's can forget about thinking of asking to see my other 92 songs =p. My songs are my own.

And Histrionic, there's a word to describe you...

I just need some time away from people at the minute like, I'm well under the weather =[.

Oh forgot to say, that last entry, copyright me, motherfucker =p.

(Intro)
Take! Your! Hands!
From around this throat that screamed 'I love you'
I! Can't! Stand!
They way it feels like my best just isn't good enough
Put my everything into this
Tried to find a way through this
Without your help it was too much to take
Why couldn't you believe this
Did you just not want to feel this
Sooner or later I just had to break

{If you want me you'll come find me
Coz my work here is all done
Fought my last battle, I'm retreating
Coz this war feels like
One that can't be won}

(Rpt intro)

Now! I! Must!
Move right onward from this torture
I! Can't! Trust!
Anyone else with my heart right now
Put my everything into this
Tried to find a way through this
Without your help it was too much to take
Why couldn't you believe this
Did you just not want to feel this
Sooner or later I just had to break

{}

(Drum roll - Talking - Just wanted to love, and be loved in return x4)
(Solo)

{} x 2

Italics = Vox 2
8/10. Choppy guitar. Edgy drums. 2 vox necessary. Could probably be worked around 1 though.
Punk, Emo, Post-Hardcore.